Dr. Scholes on: MC DR SCHOLES

Well, after what felt like years of planning and running around, the talent show happened tonight. It went far better than I had expected, I learned that my ward actually is very talented, and I only looked a little foolish. But you know the nice thing about MCing a mormon show? everyone loves it, even if you look terrible. It was a great night, and I hope we do it again.

The Doctor on: Tyler and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Congratulations. If you are here, you are one of the lucky few to actually get to see me complain over the internet! Basically, today sucked. You are forced to read why. Lucky you.

First off, at the beginning of the day I had a substitute in my orchestra class. Whoopie, right? No. My slacker fellow cellists decided that playing wasn't their thing, so they all up and left, leaving me to 'solo' Schubert's unfinished symphony.
Second hour, Because of one simple mistake (being one number off on a scantron) I got a 5 out of 30 on a history test- my best subject.
Third hour, my math teacher totally chewed us out for not understanding the homework, when he did a terrible job explaining what we were supposed to be doing.
Fourth hour/Lunch, the microwave was broken.
Fifth and sixth were boring, but not too worse than usual.
Seventh hour was Physics, and it was basically Math #2
I also went to a priest/laurel activity, which are always pretty awesome. Fondue night? Great. Winning (again) at Settlers of Cataan? Wonderful. Watching my best friend (Belle) make goo-goo eyes and randomly leave with her latest man (Dean)? Made for lots of awkward conversation and made the whole night strange. I sincerely apologize to anyone I ever put through that, even though I can tell you I was never that bad.

The Doctor on: Political Correctness

Everywhere you go you have to watch what you say- If you aren't careful, you may offend a small endangered squirrel in West Virginia. It has gotten to the point where it is just laughable- the lengths people go to to be politically savvy make no sense. Everything has become de-genderized, race-less, ageless, and all around boring. Mailman (a DOUBLE male statement) is now "postal worker" and garbageman is now "sanitation engineer". Fur is no longer allowed, and anyone who wears it gets (faux)ostracized from society. We don't want to hurt any ostriches now, do we? Just remember who to blame next time you walk down the street and fall into a Personhole.   

The Doctor on: Writers Block

One of the most fearsome maladies of anybody who regularly has to transmit information to paper is the dreaded writers block- the horrible affliction that attacks all equally, with no regard for age, gender, or social standing. It can hit you anytime, anywhere, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. I myself have survived a few such attacks, and I can tell you that there is nothing more terrible or hazardous to your long term wellbeing.

The disease starts off innocently enough, with a simple lack of focus. If you suddenly have trouble paying attention, do not be alarmed, it may be something less dangerous, like the 'Daydream Believer' syndrome, or smallpox. Your symptoms quickly move to dizziness and acute hunger (AKA the munchies). You can try to 'walk it off' at this stage, and some have recorded a limited success with this technique. The lights may begin to come out of focus, first being too bright, then being too dim. Try to ignore them. More extreme cases of writers block have experienced short term memory loss, the inability to recover information "on the tip of your tongue" and even severe hallucinations- patients have begun believing that they themselves are anywhere- anywhere at all-, but "here". Soon, powerful headaches emerge.  At this point, your story, thesis, or paper is terminal. It isn't going to be completed, so do not bother trying- you will only hurt yourself and those you love. So please, go do something else. read a book. Do community service. Come back to your work after your rehabilitation, or your malady can and will progress to the "Rushed-deadline-and-stress-induced-sickness-flu".

The Doctor on: The X-Factor

NO. If you read the Title and your first thought was the british singing show, this may not be the blog for you. go read something about Justin Beibers new hair or something. I'm talking about the "X" Factor, the thing that turns a definite loser into a potential victor.

To help you understand what I'm talking about, I'm going to use one of my favorite TV shows. Again, not british singing. The show "deadliest warrior" is a show for all nerdy men who spend to much time with their nose in a history book. The people in the show choose two fairly well matched groups in history and ask "If one fought the other, who would win?" It is usually pretty accurate, they match fighting styles, armor, weapons, and size. The one thing they cannot include, though, is the X Factor, the invisible 'thing' that puts them over the edge. Could be heart- they win because they fight harder, or have more reason to. Could be that they were just raised differently. The X Factor wins nine times out of ten, even if people don't realize it.

By far the most visible version of the X Factor is the "Underdog Effect" the team wins, not because they are better, but because they are worse. They are slated to lose, so they win. No one knows why this works, but it does. In fact, it has become quite unfair.

The Underdog Effect means that the better team, the team that has worked far harder than the other team, will lose. No one likes them, simply because they are superior to their opponent. The whole crowd is on the side of the weaker team. This psychologically helps the underdog, and hurts the... overdog? You see this in all sorts of things- not just sports, but in all factors of life. The guy who "needs it more" gets the job, not the one who deserves it more. The weaker guy gets the girl, mainly out of pity. Support gets thrown to the side that would have a more "romanticized" victory.

I'm not going to lie, I like the underdogs too. Just sayin, it ain't fair.

The Doctor on: Talent(less?) show

Well, I am one of three people in charge of my LDS ward's talent show. Sadly, I am one of... one? People actually really working hard over it, and I'm just the secretary. It's in a week and we aren't even sure what the acts are yet- my quorum has one, but its the biggest cop-out of them all. If you want to see it, come next tuesday night. On top of all that, I'm now MCing the whole thing, so I need to be even more not-funny than usual. This is truly going to be crazy, so if I look a little wide-eyed that's why. The show could be great, and become something my ward does for years to come, or it could be so embarrassing I may never be able to show my face again. At least I'm off to college in a few months... 40ish days till BYU finally 'mans up' enough to tell me if I am in or not. A lifetime. I think I can I think I can....

The Doctor on: Totem Animals

All of the kids in my family have a totem animal, the animal that nearly without fail is our favorite animal. The one that is vastly superior to all other animals, simply because it is ours. Mine, obviously, is the tiger. Biggest cat, best attitude. Bigfoot has a lion- eh, okay. Not bad, but not quite the 'king of the beasts'. Eeyore has a wolf, again, fairly cool. Her Majesty's totem is a polar bear, and the Candy Gremlin has a lynx.

How did our totems come to be? When we were born, our father, who has yet to be given an awesome codename, went looking for them. He picked out a stuffed animal that he felt stood for us, and we have loved them ever since. I have about 30 tiger stuffed animals (don't mock me, it's awesome) and I'm still collecting them. Incidentally, my first tiger (so I've been told, if this is wrong blame my dad) is actually a character from one of the world's greatest movies. The cat's name? Rajah. The movie? Disney's "Aladdin". Since then, I've owned: General Tiger, Super Tiger, Leapy, Pouncer, Shere Kahn,  Stripey, Daniel, Johnathan, Jake, Jake II, Jake III, Jake IV (I think. Ever since reading Animorphs I've wanted to be Jake) Crouchy, and a few dozen other tigers. I will show them to anyone who asks and has lots of free time on their hands, if they promise not to judge me. Most of the tigers were given their names when I was about seven, so the names aren't very intellectually stimulating.
This post is dedicate to Stripey- may he rest in peace.

The Doctor on: An Edgar, by any other name, is just as Cavemanish.

I have now reached my oldest brother, Bigfoot. His name is interchangeable with Caveman, Sasquatch, and Edgar (just like the guy from Men In Black) he answers to all of these, and all in the same way. "uuungh..." or "grunt". He has been mistaken for a 20 year old since he was 12, and he is more hairy than I could ever hope to be. He is just plain massive, and he played football for a number of years so he really knows how to hit. sounds intimidating, huh? He is also the biggest zombie fanatic around; be sure to ask him sometime about his anti-zombie weapon of choice, if you have a spare couple hours.

Turns out he has the biggest heart around, both literally and figuratively. He was my own personal doctor/milkshake maker when I got my wisdom teeth pulled, and he is really just a big teddy bear when you get to know him.  His favorite toy in the whole world is a big bag of pipe cleaners, and he will, without fail, make a hat out of them. Then he crafts intricate elves, dragons, and army men, and then sets them up and writes a story about them. Despite looking and sounding a little like Fezzik (if you don't get the reference you don't deserve to read this) he is easily the most artistic of the Scholes clan. He also cooks the best sugar cookies this side of the Mississippi river. Or the other side, too, actually.

I'm not saying we don't clash a bit, though. For several years he believed that my entire purpose was to make his life miserable. That's okay, though, because I thought the same thing. I don't know if he has forgiven me for being born and stealing his mommy and daddy from him, but I'm fairly certain he has. Which, now that I think about it, is probably more than I deserve after what I've put him through. But, as Bigfoot says, "mmnnnghhh uughh grunt grunt grunt"

The Doctor on: Eeyore

Next up is my younger brother- Eeyore. This dude is my main man. I hate to admit it, but he is my mini-me. Only cooler. He Is a very bright kid, and very much his own person. The first son to seriously try basketball, baseball, gymnastics (Don't laugh. Ever seen the men's gymnastics in the olympics? Intense stuff!) He can act, his Gollum impression is spot on, and he has an amazing memory for songs and lyrics. He hates books, and "wouldn't read so much if the stories weren't so good!"

Why, you ask, is such a precocious child (Ahem. Sorry. Teenager) named Eeyore? He is currently in the moody phase that every teenager goes through. The problem is that he has been in this phase for years now. "Everybody hates me" is his favorite saying, and we are fairly certain he isn't serious.

Because he is so much like me, the dude tries his hardest to forge his own path. he dresses differently, listens to different music, and has recently taken up "Magic: the Gathering" simply because I was once a YUGIOH! fan.  Well, maybe not just because. But I like to give myself credit whenever I can- by the time  he is rich and famous I may have been able to delude myself into believing his success is my fault.His other success I want credit for is his luck with the ladies- even girls five years older than him can't keep their hands off of him. I'm certain that the girls his own age cry themselves to sleep every night over him. But he won't have any of it. Although he loves the attention, he still tries to convince us he thinks girls are icky. But we don't believe him.

He has style, grace, a chipper attitude (when he doesn't have an excuse to be otherwise) and is all around a pretty cool dude. His comment? "Thanks for noticin'"

The Doctor on: In her Majesty's Secret Service

My oldest-but-still-younger-than-me sister, Her Majesty, is a girl of the highest form. Like every girl, she has two sides: the 'you love her to death, she is cute and lovable and wonderful and your favorite person' side, and then the "fire and brimstone, kill you with a glance and enjoy your pain' side that seems to be it's partner's polar opposite. Yes, every girl has these sides, they just sometimes oppress one or the other. but I digress.

Her Majesty has both parts in equality. She runs on hugs, and requires them morning and night to function. On the other hand, as a pre-teen girl she also thrives on the pain of boys older than her, namely her brothers. She sings and dances with birds, then traps one with her paralyzing gaze and cooks it with the heat of her rage. Well, she may not quite be that bad, but her demon side is very vivid.

She is the girliest girl ever to call herself a tomboy. According to her, tomboys can totally play with barbies, wear dresses, and dance ballet. She actually did ballet for a year, along with some gymnastics and several years of soccer. She loves to cook, sing, and smile, and is one of my favorite people. She is my Carebear, and her evil side is just as much fun as her nice one. Here's to you, your Majesty.

The Doctor on: The Candy Gremlin

Because those I like to call "family" are such a major part of my life, it is now necessary for me to explain a little about who they are and how I relate to them.

To start with, my youngest sister "Candy Gremlin". She is the baby of the family. Still trapped in the early years of grade school, still gets all of her older sisters hand-me-downs. Her puppydog eyes can make the harshest person collapse and beg her to let them prove they can be good. One time we were at a bookstore and she found a stuffed animal. A giraffe only about six inches tall, with massive purple eyes. She held it up to her face, and widened her eyes until they were the same size. I never spend money. Not even on myself. She got that giraffe that day. She even gave it a name: "High". (Get it? It's a giraffe... really tall) anyway, imagine the look on my face when she left it in her room and her other sister said "c'mon CG, lets go get High". Yeah, you can laugh. Everyone else has.

Why, you ask, is her name Candy Gremlin? The girl is a sugar addict. You promise she can have more candy 'Tomorrow', she will wake you up at three and say "It's tomorrow!!! Can I have my candy yet?" She is very protective of her candy, and the best way to get on her good side is to give her some.

Just remember- don't feed her after midnight.

The Doctor on: SWEARHOLE!

Its amazing what little kids can come up with. On the way home from a basketball game the other day, me and my sibs were all battling for control of the conversation. My older brother, Bigfoot, was mocking me because of a turnover- a really minor infraction, really- and my youngest sister (Candy-Gremlin) was yelling at the top of her lungs about who knows what. At the same time, my younger-than-me-but-not-the-youngest-sister (Her Majesty) (who is hitting me as I type) was telling us a story about her dealings with her fellow classmates. She informed her rapt audience that she had  trained her friends/followers to behave themselves when she was around. They would watch their language, and not say any swearwords. 'cept she didn't say "Swearwords"... she said "Swearhole". Silence fell. Then my brother and I laughed so hard he almost crashed the car. We are currently attempting to make "Swearhole" the universal euphemism. Says critics: "Shut your swearhole! Any swearhole who uses words like 'swearhole'... ah swearhole. I'm doing it too!" Ow. Her Majesty just punched me in the kidney and is now slapping my head. The things I do for my readers...

The Doctor on: The Randomness of Being Me

One of my favorite things about life is its unpredictability. Sometimes life drags on like a penny western, where you can always tell whats going to happen, but you go through it anyway in the hopes that a new character might show up, or a really decent shootout will happen. But sometimes things start to happen. And they happen all at once. Soon things start moving so quickly that all you can do is find something to grab onto and hold on for dear life. These times, though, are the most fun you will ever have. You won't have time to sleep, and you will get run ragged by your commitments, but you will never feel more alive. Its kinda like football, actually. Things flying around, no ability to focus, you are miserable and you think you are going to die, but as soon as it is done you find yourself missing the days when you had such a purpose. Some people get addicted and start going out of their way to shake things up a little bit, but things usually don't work out so well for them; they get in over their head and rely on everyone around them to keep them afloat. For some of these people, though, they figure out just enough to know where the line is, and then waltz along it, somehow never quite getting too far to one side. These people are the ones who have the most fun in life; the people who are themselves, and who really don't care what other people think. It is hard to do, but shoot for it. Total chaos is bad, but so is total conformity. Stay aware!

The Doctor on: Hufflepuff, whodathunkit?

There comes at time in every nerd's young life when they reach a crossroads. Well, every deserving nerd. the ones that obsess over Twilight have their own crossroads, but it is pretty lame and just comes down to which guy- werewolf or sparklefairy- looks better covered in rain and without a shirt. The truly deserving nerds, though, we have four options. Gryffindor? Ravenclaw? Hufflepuff? or Slytherin?

All these houses have their good points. They all are notable of something or other, and many great wizards have come from each. Selecting the perfect house for you is quite difficult when it comes down to it.

You might belong in Gryffindor, Where dwell the brave at heart, Their daring, nerve, and chivalry
Set Gryffindors apart.
 The most famous, and quite often the most chosen, is Noble Gryffindor. Colors gold and crimson, with a lion mascot. They are all very brave, very chivalrous, and quite daring. Yeah, I took that right from the song. The problem with Gryffindors, though, is that they simply do not think. I'm not calling them stupid, by any means. A better term would be foolhardy. They 'bravely' charge right into battle and forget important details. Like their wands. or their pants. It's quite rare, and the books may not mention one of these specific details, but it has happened. Trust me.

Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw, if you've a ready mind, Where those of wit and learning,
Will always find their kind.
The Ravenclaws are the group that I, for the longest time, thought that I belonged with. Silver and Blue, their mascot is the raven. why, do you ask, would the smartest group of kids have a raven as a symbol, when an owl is the bird that stands for wisdom? a few reasons: 1: The founders name was Ravenclaw. It was too good of a pun to pass up. 2: The owl is so overdone, so stereotypical of magic, that it is overplayed and too predictable. 3: true wisdom does not equal intelligence, so an owl would not fit. 4: (this is by far my favorite) the Norse god Odin had two pet Ravens- Hugin and Munin (meaning 'thought' and 'mind'). These ravens, the 'eyes' of the Norse god of wisdom, have long stood for intelligence. But I digress. The simple issue with the Ravenclaws is that they have dehumanized everything. They are more comfertable with their studies that with other people. "what? a basilik is terrorizing the school? killing people? too bad" versus "WHAT???? THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED FOR A WEEK??? NOOO!!!" Note the multiple exclamation marks- a sure sign of a mind about to snap.

Or perhaps in Slytherin You'll make your real friends, Those cunning folks use any means
To achieve their ends.
Fierce Slytherin, Third of the houses, is another tempting choice. Colors green and silver, they are aptly represented by a serpent. These wizards and witches have true ambition, a desire for power, and means to achieve it. They can be seen as ruthless, because they may step on a few people to get to where they want to be, but at least they try for what they want. Honestly, I would love to be seen as a slytherin- they are the ones voted 'Most Likely to Achieve' and they are great people to attach yourself to if you want a quick ride to the top. The problem is that the paranoia would ruin you! While you plot to stab the whiny blond kid in the back, you have to be aware of all the knives aimed at yours. and the pitfall traps, the "itching powder in the underwear" trick, and all sorts of other devilish terrors. you would go mad within a week.


You might belong in Hufflepuff, Where they are just and loyal, Those patient Hufflepuffs are true
And unafraid of toil.
 In all honesty, I feel most strongly that I belong with the Hufflepuffs. Colors Black and Yellow, these "killer bumblebees" have a badger as a mascot. While other classes shoot for prestige and honor, through conniving, studying, or feats of skill, These Hufflepuffs (what the heck IS a hufflepuff?) gain more happiness from a job well done of the companionship of others. Notice that the prize loyalty over personal gain, and toil over bookwork. My 'brethren' have fallen upon hard times, gaining a reputation for inadequacy, but that is simply because they like people. They accept all kinds, because they value a diverse population, unlike the other houses who pick one specific trait to select from. Anyone would do well in Hufflepuff, not having to fear being looked down upon by their 'superiors'. I am a Hufflepuff.

Didn't Expect that now, didja? If I hadn't given it away in the title, you all would have been floored by this revelation, I know it. Well, stay happy. I'm sure your house is good to. And if you don't like any of them, you could always go to Durmstrang or Beauxbatons.

The Doctor on: Gamertags

I feel that the next thing I should explain about myself is my Gamertag. A Gamertag is a username, one used by  just about every computer nerd out there. It is your signature, more or less, the one thing that distinguishes you from all the other pasty white guys who still tell stories about the one time, where they saw this girl. Yeah, it was cool. Anyway, the idea of a Gamertag is that everywhere you go (virtually speaking, of course) and everything you do (we use this term loosely, there is not much 'doing' when you just sit in front of a screen drooling) has the same name. I, for one, am the great CTRknight. If you see a CTRknight anywhere online, its me. Or some creep who thought it would be cool to steal my name. If you see a CTRknight that is not me, please let me know so I can hunt him down and give him a sound talking to.

The name originated when I was in fifth grade, and I chose it for the game 'Runescape', and the name tells you a lot about me. One, that I am Mormon and quite proud of it (the name has actually set up some missionary opportunities, where people e ask what 'CTR' stands for and I get to beat them over the head with mormon.org) and two, that I was quite the impressionable youth and thought that the romanticized concept of the knights of the round table was fairly awesome.

I feel that this post is a bit lacking, so I will explain one other thing about myself. My goal in this endeavor is to create the illusion that several different people are writing this blog, or at least one person with Multiple Personality Disorder. Over the course of this blog you will see a teenager who thinks he is hilarious, an old grandmother who is just the nicest person and loves everything, a harsh political analyst, a total nerd, and quite possibly a dozen other people. They really are all me, but I am just weird like that. You will, regrettably, have to live with it. Or don't, but I wouldn't suggest it.

The Doctor on: Doctor Scholes

Being what I am, and knowing what I do, it may be prudent for me to impart some of my vast hoards of completely useless knowledge on innocent, undeserving passersby. (Passerbys? Passbyers?) I am a senior in high school, about to embark on what I hope will be the greatest adventure of my young life. This blog is inspired by one of my many late-night paranoias, which made me pull myself out of bed in the wee hours in the morning, find paper and a pencil, and inscribe "WRITE BLOG".

I guess a decent place to start my blog is to explain the name. Reason number one: Having a name like "Scholes" (pronounced 'Skolz') has given me many opportunities to want to seriously injure my classmates over the years. Some people, for the strangest reason, pronounce my name "Scholls" and feel the urge to make jokes about foot inserts, athletes foot, and the like. They always believe they are the first to come up with such a hilarious joke. Guess what? If I hear "Hey Scholes! Are you gellin?" one more time I may just go insane. Still, "Doctor Scholes" as a blog title fits my lame sense of humor quite nicely. (Notice the pun, please.)

Reason number two: Late 2006, right after seeing the "Eragon" movie (If there is a slight chance you havent seen it, please don't. Movies based on books, in nearly every case, just don't live up to expectations) was the first time I was assailed by someone I have never met to help them with something I have no experience with. Dating. Since then I have become the go to guy for teenage girl dating advice. Girls I have never met before hunt me down to ask what to do about their breakup, or about the cute guy in their chem class that almost distracted them to the point of setting themselves on fire. Always, afterward, they tell me how much like a brother or father figure they see me as. Once I was discribed as a "gay best friend who just happened to be straight". Thus, Doctor Scholes often takes the role of Doctor Phil.

Reason number three: Being an avid Doctor Who fan, I really wanted an excuse to refer to myself as "the Doctor". If you have not yet seen the show, please do. I would love to have a sonic screwdriver. Just shows you what kind of mind I have.
(What is a sonic screwdriver? Just follow the link.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BPsk1xbevc

Anywho, that's me in a nutshell. Strange how such a small thing as a name can tell you so much about a person, huh? Stay tuned for more rants at a later time.